Broken Friendships
This teaching comes from a series taught on Wednesday nights in early 2025 at Immanuel Church in Nashville, TN.
Introduction
We’re continuing our series on friendship.
So far, we’ve focused on the positives. Who doesn’t need help learning how to be a better friend? But we also have wounds from past friendships that can make us hesitant to pursue deeper connections. It’s been said that friendship doubles our joys and halves our sorrows. But when things go wrong, it can double our sorrows and halve our joys.
So, tonight we’re going to talk about broken friendships.
Bob Dylan has a prophetic song called “Everything Is Broken.” Here’s a verse.
Broken bottles, broken plates
Broken switches, broken gates
Broken dishes, broken parts
Streets are filled with broken hearts
Broken words never meant to be spoken
Everything is broken
In this sin-stained world, everything is broken, even our friendships.
If you have a broken friendship in your life, you’re not alone. Far from it. A recent survey found that 68% of Americans have decided to end a friendship and followed through. 52% say a friend has ended the friendship with them.[1] Broken friendships are not uncommon at all. If anything, they’re far too common.
Thankfully, the Bible is not silent on this important topic. God has good news for us: We have a Savior who understands brokenness and can help us. The author of Hebrews describes Jesus as a sympathetic high priest who knows our wounds. He was misunderstood, offended, rejected, and betrayed. If anyone understands broken friendships, it’s Jesus.
Yet on the cross, Jesus died to heal every broken thing. In fact, he died to secure us as his friends, and through his friendship, he now offers his divine help to mend our broken friendships with one another. For all the grief and pain of our fractured friendships, a gospel hope flows down from heaven from the heart of our Redeemer and Restorer, our Friend of Sinners. As Ray would say, Jesus has industrial-strength grace for us. He can make our sad friendships come untrue. It takes honesty and courage on our part. It won’t be easy. But who ever said life was easy anyway?
Here’s my agenda. First, I want to show you God’s template for restoring broken friendships. Second, I want to proclaim God’s good news for your broken friendships. So, we have very practical help from Jesus and a very comforting reality from Jesus.
God’s Template for Restoring Broken Friendships
I find it amazing how practical the Bible can sometimes be. It’s not just stories and rules; it’s real help for our real lives. As I researched this topic, I was struck by a verse in Luke 17. In it, Jesus teaches his disciples how to deal with one another when they sin against one another and lead others to sin. In the middle of this, he provides what I’m calling a template for restoring broken friendships.
Let’s look the whole passage, and then I want to zero in on one verse. Luke 17:1-4.
1 And he said to his disciples, “Temptations to sin are sure to come, but woe to the one through whom they come! 2 It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin. 3 Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, 4 and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
In its entirety, this passage teaches us to avoid personal sin and to avoid leading others into sin. There are severe consequences for leading others into sin, as verse 2 shows us. But Jesus is a realist. He knows we’re going to sin against one another, and we’re going to be tempted to sin in return. So, in the first part of verse 3, Jesus tells us to pay attention to ourselves. We can’t let our sinful instincts take over. How many friendships have been further harmed because sin was added to sin?
Then, in the second part of verse 3, Jesus says something I find so helpful about maintaining friendships and dealing with broken ones. Look at it again.
“If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.”
This is remarkable. Jesus gives a template we can use. I like to think of it in a formula.
Sin + Rebuke + Repentance + Forgiveness = Restored Friendship
So, there are two parts for each party. Sin and Repentance go together. Rebuke and Forgiveness go together.
Here’s what I think this is so helpful. It’s straightforward. It’s forthright and honest. Most of us, I think, tend to dance around the issues. We often over-complicate it; instead of dealing with it head-on, we hope it will go away. But sin never just goes away. It must be dealt with. Jesus knows that. Think of our relationship with him. When we sin, we feel a distance, don’t we? And what does he call us to do? A verse we love at Immanuel 1 John 1:7: “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.” Jesus calls us to be honest with him and one another so we’re free to grow. Part of that honesty is honesty toward one another when sin occurs, both personally and interpersonally.
We might not have many good examples of this, so here’s what it might look like between two Christian friends. We’ll call them the Repentant Friend and the Forgiving Friend.
Repentant Friend sins against Forgiving Friend, and Forgiving Friend lovingly confronts.
Forgiving Friend: “Friend, I hate to do this, but I love you, and I want our friendship to be free of bitterness, so we need to talk about something. Do you remember when you said that thing about me the other night at dinner? That hurt me. I’ve prayed about it and asked God to help me understand why it hurt, and I see now that it hurt me because I think it was wrong of you to say. Can you help me understand why you said it?”
Repentant Friend: “Oh, I hate to hear that. You know, I felt bad about it as soon as the words left my lips. I’ve been praying about it, too, and asking God to help me make it right. I shouldn’t have said that. That was a sin against you. I have no excuse. Thank you for saying something. I understand why you were hurt. I would have been, too. I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me?”
Forgiving Friend: “Yes, I forgive you. How could I not? Look how Jesus has forgiven me! Thank you for responding that way. I respect you so much.”
Repentant Friend: “And I respect you. Hey, let’s grab a bite to eat.”
Of course, it won’t always go that smoothly, but Jesus offers a template to help us here. It takes honesty, humility, and a lot of carefulness and restraint. It takes continually examining yourself before God to determine what you can do to make peace.
In fact, there’s this great passage in Romans 12:18 that I think about often that hits on this point. Sam and I were just talking about it the other day.
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
One of the things I often talk to my staff about at work is the need to take ownership. We all have responsibilities, and we want to steward those well. So, we should always be thinking, “What else can I do?” We can’t control so much, but we can control ourselves with God’s help.
Paul is saying that we all have a part to play. “So far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” There is immense wisdom there. “What else can I do to make peace in this situation?” That’s a godly response to friendship conflict.
Now, Jesus has more for us in Matthew’s gospel. There is a passage for the Repentant Friend and a for the Forgiving Friend.
For the Repentant Friend, we have Matthew 5:23-24.
“If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”
When we are at fault, Jesus calls us to make it right as quickly as we can. He takes that so seriously that he says we should leave our gift before the altar and go make peace. To the original audience, that would mean leaving their animal sacrifice at the temple to find their friend and make peace, then returning and making the offering. That wasn’t easy when you couldn’t text or drive. It took some effort. Today, this would mean it’s more important to reconcile with our friend than it is to go to church. So, if we are on our way to church, and we are troubled by the thought that we offended our friend, Jesus says we shouldn’t shrug that off. We should go make peace right then! “As far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
Now, I think it’s important to note that Jesus says you should do this when you remember that your brother has something against you. In other words, you’ve actively sinned against them, and they know about it. I’ve had friends in the past who have come to me to confess a sinful thought they had about me of which I was unaware. I can’t say that was helpful. It actually complicated things. I don’t think Jesus is calling us to confess our thoughts in this passage. We can take those to God and ask for forgiveness, but here, Jesus is calling us here to make things right that we know have hurt our friends.
So, let’s imagine we’re ready to do this. What should we say to our friend?
Honestly confess the sin. Don’t sugarcoat it.
Acknowledge the wound you inflicted.
Apologize. Express regret, and don’t try to justify yourself.
Be honest about your need for repentance and desire to change.
Ask for forgiveness, but don’t demand forgiveness. Forgiveness is granted, not earned.
That takes humility, and that’s hard for us. But if it’s so important to Jesus that we postpone coming to the altar, he will be there to help us obey. Whatever God commands, he also grants.
Now, for the Forgiving Friend, we have Matthew 18:15.
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”
I think this is actually the harder of the two commands. When we are sinned against, it’s hard to confront our friend. But Jesus says we should. Letting it stay inside only tends to increase the pain, and the Enemy can use that to grow resentment and bitterness in us. We don’t want that.
Now, we must be careful. We need to really think it through and pray about the situation. We need to discern why we were hurt. Notice that Jesus is speaking about sin against us. Did they sin, or did our feelings get hurt? Did they say something true that we don’t want to accept because of pride? We may need to accept the offense, and ask God to forgive us and help us change.
But if, after prayer and reflection, you determine that your friend did sin, Jesus says we are to go to them. We are to take responsibility to reconcile even if we are the ones sinned against. Is that surprising? Jesus doesn’t say, “Sit and wait for them to apologize.” He says, “Go.” Why? Because going and addressing it is better for our friendship than stewing on it and talking to others about it. Going and addressing it isn’t only good for us, it’s good for our friend. If we fail to rebuke the sinner, we are only enabling them to continue in sin. Confronting is not only a healing path for you, but also for the friend. Don’t you want your friend to be healed?
When you go, Jesus says to tell him his fault. The word there is reprove. Dan Doriani says this term is used in two realms: “the realm of investigation and inquiry and the realm of proof and conviction…Investigation comes first. If the investigation uncovers a problem, the facts are essential to reproof of the sin.” [2]
In other words, we don’t come with guns blazing. We come inquisitively, hopefully, honestly. Once we know the facts, then we can rebuke if necessary.
In Galatians 6:1, Paul describes what this looks like.
“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.”
We are to go in a spirit of gentleness because that’s how Jesus is with us. He’s our model. When did we ever feel beat up by him? His conviction is sweet, gentle, kind.
Now, if we take this important step, we must go ready to forgive. We have a good reason to, and an incredible power in the gospel. Here’s what Paul says in Colossians 3:12-13: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”
Again, Jesus is our model. Actually, not only our model but also our power to forgive. Have we not been forgiven much? That doesn’t mean it’s easy. Forgiveness never is. It’s actually very costly. Tim Keller helps us see what it means in his book Forgiveness.
“You promise (1) not to constantly bring the sin up to the wrongdoer in order to browbeat and punish them, (2) not to constantly bring the sin up to other people in order to hurt the wrongdoer’s reputation and relationship with others, and (3) not to constantly bring the sin up to yourself—not to keep the anger hot, not to replay the video of it in order to cherish the feeling of nobility and virtue that comes from having been treated unjustly.”
I love what R.C. Sproul once said: “When I think I’m unfairly hated, I try to remember that I’m unfairly loved.” The power to do this comes from the forgiveness we have in Jesus. He doesn’t bring up our past. He doesn’t gossip. Jeremiah 31:34 and Hebrews 8:12 tell us he remembers our sins no more. We are to follow him in that.
So, that’s God’s template for restoring broken friendships.
Now, God’s gospel for when friendship breaks your heart.
God’s Good News for Broken Friendships
Some friendships are so broken and painful that we need more than a path forward; we need a place to collapse. Some of us have been betrayed, and we can’t forgive our ex-friend in part because they aren’t repentant. Thankfully, the Bible isn’t silent on this form of broken friendship either.
One of the great things about the Bible is that when our emotions get intense, God has given us the Psalms as his approved words when we’re too emotional to find the words ourselves.
I have been meditating recently on Psalm 55. It’s a Psalm of David, and although we don’t know the specific details regarding the timing or the individuals he refers to, we know he’s in deep distress. He faces an attack and cries out to God for help. He says his heart is in anguish. He’s afraid and trembling, overwhelmed by horror.
In verses 12-14, we find out the cause of such distress.
12 For it is not an enemy who taunts me—
then I could bear it;
it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—
then I could hide from him.
13 But it is you, a man, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend.
14 We used to take sweet counsel together;
within God’s house we walked in the throng.
David was betrayed, and now his ex-friend was attacking him.
Eugene Peterson phrased it this way.
This isn’t the neighborhood bully
mocking me—I could take that.
This isn’t a foreign devil spitting
invective—I could tune that out.
It’s you! We grew up together!
You! My best friend!
Those long hours of leisure as we walked
arm in arm, God a third party to our conversation.
We don’t know which friend David is referring to. It doesn’t matter because the Psalms are universal. This could apply to any friend for anyone. We know it was a dear friend. Notice how he describes him, as his equal. The king’s equal! David treated him as an extension of himself, elevating him to some degree to his status and sharing his life with him. They worshiped God together, and as many of us know, that creates a bond that’s not easily broken. But this friend broke that sacred bond. He became David’s enemy, and David grieved the shock and the loss.
In verses 20 and 21, David tells us more.
20 My companion stretched out his hand against his friends;
he violated his covenant.
21 His speech was smooth as butter,
yet war was in his heart;
his words were softer than oil,
yet they were drawn swords.
Notice the emotion. Everything he thought he knew about his friend was a lie. Some of us know what that’s like. What does God offer in those hard days? David tells us in verse 22.
22 Cast your burden on the Lord,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved.
When a friend breaks your heart, and you don’t know where else to go, you can go to God. You are not alone in your suffering. Betrayal is so disorienting. You might feel like you’re sinking, but there is a rock underneath that you can rest on. He will sustain you.
That doesn’t, however, deal with the injustice done to us, does it? Yes, we have a place to collapse where we will be sustained, but our heart cries out for justice. Verse 23 speaks to that longing.
But you, O God, will cast them down
into the pit of destruction;
men of blood and treachery
shall not live out half their days.
But I will trust in you.
These parts of the Psalms are difficult for us to understand until we’ve been done an injustice. We need a God who cares enough to do something about evil in this world. Our friend that betrayed us may never repent, and we may lose them forever. We will rightly be angry and sad. Some friends will do us wrong not because they hate us so much but because they hate God. They have not only betrayed us but also their Maker. They have not only lost our friendship but also his. And they will be judged for that unless they repent. If they won’t have Jesus, they will have his wrath. That’s a biblical doctrine.
But vengeance doesn’t belong to us. It belongs to God. Our part is to trust him. He will work all things out. We can leave it in his capable hands. And as we do, we can rest on his care for us. We might not feel like we’ll be okay again, but because of God, we will be.
Here’s how I know we will be.
One of the best ways to read the Psalms is to hear them as the songs of Jesus. When we go to the Psalms to find words for our emotions, we find not just words but the Word. We find Jesus himself, speaking on our behalf. David wasn’t the only one who faced betrayal. You aren’t the only one who faced betrayal. Jesus faced betrayal, too. He knows what it’s like from the inside.
We know the story of Judas, one of Jesus’s apostles, who betrayed him for thirty pieces of silver. But Judas wasn’t the only one to betray Jesus. Not even the only apostle. Peter was part of the inner circle—one of the three to whom Jesus revealed his life in the most profound ways. Peter was Jesus’s defender. He was completely committed to him. He jumped out of the boat to reach him. He drew his sword when the guards came to take him away. Yet, when it was all on the line—when Jesus was being prepared for the cross—Peter denied knowing him, not just once, but three times, even to a little girl. He was afraid, and to protect himself, he forsook his friend.
I don’t mean to pick on Peter. Mark 14:50 says that during his arrest in Gethsemane, “They all left him and fled.” No one was ever as friendless as Jesus in that moment. He stood alone to face his suffering. He faced his trial alone, with Peter’s denial the soundtrack of the night. He hung on the cross alone. He died alone. In his moment of greatest need, Jesus’s disciples didn’t see being his friend worth the cost. They betrayed him, denied him, and abandoned him.
We have abandoned him, betrayed him, and denied him, too. We do it every day. We may read Psalm 55 with pain in our hearts about the betrayals of our friends, and that’s a right reading. God gave it to us for that. But we should also read it with pain in our hearts that we have betrayed our Best Friend, Jesus. We deserve verse 23. We deserve to be cast down. We deserve the pit of destruction. But in him, we don’t get what we deserve because he is the friend cast down for us, who pulls us out of the pit of destruction.
The most significant broken friendship in all our lives is the one we broke with Jesus. But Jesus didn’t let it stay broken. John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” Jesus considered the cost of being our friends worth it—even to the point of death on a cross. In his death, he reconciled us to himself. He forgave our sins and transgressions and iniquities. He saved us not only from the penalty of sin but also welcomed us into his eternal friendship.
In a world of good-till-it’s-too-hard friends, where we can’t stay awake to pray for one another, can’t show up for one another when and how we’re needed, where we sin against one another and betray one another and fail one another and deny one another and abandon one another and do all sorts of half-hearted gestures trying to prove we actually care, we have a friend in Jesus who is the exact opposite of all that.
As Jared Wilson said in his book Friendship With the Friend of Sinners:
“There is no friend truer in than Jesus…no friend so real as Jesus…no friend closer than Jesus…no friend so comforting as Jesus…no friend so unbothered as Jesus…no friend more loyal than Jesus…no friend more honest than Jesus…no friend so generous as Jesus…no friend as perfectly present as Jesus…no friend so saving as Jesus.”
Whatever friendship broke you, Jesus’s can heal you.
Not only can he heal you, but he can help you.
Maybe you’ll get a chance to forgive a repentant friend who betrayed you so horrifically. Jesus loves to reconcile people for his glory. But you might not get that chance. If you don’t, is the friendship of Jesus enough for you?
Maybe you need the forgiveness of a friend you betrayed. It weighs on you so heavily. Jesus loves to reconcile people for his glory. Maybe you’ll get that chance to apologize and ask for forgiveness and be forgiven. But you might not get that chance. If you don’t, Jesus will forgive you. Is his forgiveness enough for you?
I don’t know your exact situation. I don’t have to. Jesus does. I can offer some advice, sure. But Jesus can offer all the advice. More than that, he can empower you to do whatever it is that you need to do to attempt to restore your broken friendships. Even more than that, he will be the friend you need not only for this life but for eternity.
What I’m trying to say is that the gospel speaks a better word than our broken friendships. If we will just trust in God, we will find that his gospel tells us that when we feel friendless, Jesus is our friend. When our friends betray us, the one whom we’ve betrayed comes to our side with forgiveness and grace and mercy. In all our failing, broken friendships, we can take great solace in knowing there is a perfect Friend who can help us navigate these rough waters. He’s not sleeping in the boat. He’s at his throne of grace. He’s been through it all. He knows what it’s like, and one day, he will set everything right.
In fact, I want to close with that idea.
Conclusion
One of the best books I read last year was The Mythmakers by John Hendrix. It’s a graphic novel about the friendship of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien. In the book, Aslan and Gandalf take us through the friendship of their makers. Now, I’m not sure if you know much about their friendship, but it wasn’t always strong. Tolkien was often jealous of his friendship with Lewis and didn’t like others getting close to him. They had some different theological convictions. Later in life, after a series of disagreements and offenses, Lewis and Tolkien were estranged and never fully reconciled before death. They still hung out, but they avoided the “Deep Wounds.”
Here's what I love about Hendrix’s book. He doesn’t end it with their broken friendships. Instead, he envisions Lewis and Tolkien reconciling in the twilight of their lives during a final “Golden Session,” as Lewis used to call their meetings.
It’s a beautiful picture that conveys two truths. The first is the reality of broken friendships. We hurt one another, and sometimes even the closest friends are not reconciled in this life. The second truth is that there is always hope for Christian friends, even if all we can do right now is imagine it. As Lewis reminds us in his chapter on friendship in The Four Loves, within every Christian friendship, there is a third party that unites us. It is he who gathers, he who hosts, and I will add, he who can and one day will restore all that the deep wounds took away.
We may grieve our losses now, but heaven is coming. Just as a parent grieves a lost child or a child grieves a lost parent, a friend who grieves a lost friend in Christ will find them in heaven, where sin will no longer reign and where there is an eternity to make up for lost time. Somehow, in heaven, our fractured friendships with fellow Christians will be restored, and this will only adorn God’s gospel, and we will have eternity to make up for lost time.
I think Bob Dylan was right. Everything is broken, but not forever. Jesus is alive, and he will be your Friend in the waiting, and he will be your Friend in eternity, and he will restore your broken friendships with his other friends in heaven. Let’s put our hope in that.
[1] https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/45676-americans-ended-friendship-breakups-poll
[2] Daniel M. Doriani, Matthew & 2, ed. Richard D. Phillips, Philip Graham Ryken, and Daniel M. Doriani, vol. 2, Reformed Expository Commentary (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2008), 151.
